"So you can write or drink or gamble or cheat or play mind games all you want, but there is no escape. The fucking around contains the finding out. There is nowhere to go and nothing you can do to ever completely lose yourself. The only question is: do you want to live in the glare of that reality, or in the shadowed blur of the illusion?
"Either way, you are what you are."
In the fall of 1997, I made one of my occasional "state of mind" mixtapes. When finished, I printed out a j-card, and glued a section of a photo (of a scrambled cable TV channel) to the front. On impulse, I grabbed one of those metallic-ink pens, and scribbled "The inescapable self…" underneath the photo.
That's what this piece reminds me of. The inescapable self.
I remember going through my journals and finding a spot where I scribbled something unintelligible. When I asked the woman who still loves me after four decades she said I was busy blacking out. The cause was a cocktail made with a stillnox pill. I ended up in ICU, they pumped me out. When I woke up my body was full of white powder. When I asked the nurse, bless her, she said it's spillover from the NAC they gave me to neutralize the poison in my body. Much later I read about a person in Australia that drank a similar cocktail, went black, got into a fast car in that unconscious state, drove unto a freeway from the wrong direction. Crashed head on into a family, killing everyone, but he/she survived. Yes, this pill is still being sold, think it's banned there.
No more devastation ☠️
Love never fails 🌾
Ps I'm a former addict, I read and try and support yr writing, if you care then please check my efforts and if it resonates, sub it's free and do some restacks
I had to hold back the tears while I read this aloud. It doesn’t come from “me” … this shit we are able to understand through recovery it comes from something ancient, timeless, unrelenting.
"So you can write or drink or gamble or cheat or play mind games all you want, but there is no escape. The fucking around contains the finding out. There is nowhere to go and nothing you can do to ever completely lose yourself. The only question is: do you want to live in the glare of that reality, or in the shadowed blur of the illusion?
"Either way, you are what you are."
In the fall of 1997, I made one of my occasional "state of mind" mixtapes. When finished, I printed out a j-card, and glued a section of a photo (of a scrambled cable TV channel) to the front. On impulse, I grabbed one of those metallic-ink pens, and scribbled "The inescapable self…" underneath the photo.
That's what this piece reminds me of. The inescapable self.
Woww Kevin, I love everything about that story! Mixtapes! Damn. The inescapable self… that’s exactly it. Exactly.
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. It means so much.
Gripping and real piece of writing!
So good.
“there was nothing that anchored me to myself.” Gah, that’s it. That’s what writing is for me and why I keep doing it. I’m untethered otherwise.
Thank you so much, Allison!
Yes, writing is grounding for sure. Thank goodness for it. It’s a life saver.
I remember going through my journals and finding a spot where I scribbled something unintelligible. When I asked the woman who still loves me after four decades she said I was busy blacking out. The cause was a cocktail made with a stillnox pill. I ended up in ICU, they pumped me out. When I woke up my body was full of white powder. When I asked the nurse, bless her, she said it's spillover from the NAC they gave me to neutralize the poison in my body. Much later I read about a person in Australia that drank a similar cocktail, went black, got into a fast car in that unconscious state, drove unto a freeway from the wrong direction. Crashed head on into a family, killing everyone, but he/she survived. Yes, this pill is still being sold, think it's banned there.
No more devastation ☠️
Love never fails 🌾
Ps I'm a former addict, I read and try and support yr writing, if you care then please check my efforts and if it resonates, sub it's free and do some restacks
Thank you very kindly for taking the time to read, connect, and share your experience. I’m so grateful this resonated with you.
I’ll be glad to check out your writing just as soon as I am able. May we continue to evolve and to thrive. 🙏🏻
Phenomenal writing.
Thank you so much, Kelly. You hearten and humble me!
Seriously. This truth that our every escape leads back to ourselves…
I had to hold back the tears while I read this aloud. It doesn’t come from “me” … this shit we are able to understand through recovery it comes from something ancient, timeless, unrelenting.
💯