What follows is a short collection of my thoughts this morning about where I am today in recovery. Now that my recovery is no longer about the alcohol, it is becoming increasingly clear that it’s about designing a whole new life.
And by that I mean: a new way of living. A new way of operating in the world. This requires intense amounts of self-reflection, observation, witness, and integration. You need to have the courage to look at your own patterns of behavior; to stop doing the things that do not serve you, and start doing things differently, in a way that serves your highest self. One way we learn how to do this is by watching others do things differently than we have done them. Who are you watching? Who are you choosing to engage with and why? Who do you wish to emulate and why? Who do you wish to be? What do you want your life to be, feel like, and do for you?
These are the questions of a woman entering her third year of recovery. In many way, the stakes are highest when you are far away from shore. Instead of straining to see the land you left, it’s time to begin envisioning where you are headed. Even if it hasn’t yet come into full view.
(press play to hear my audio version)
By definition, recovery requires change. It requires you to say what you need and go out and get what you want. People will get prickly when you do. So be it. Keep going. Recovery will require you to find people beyond the circle you are used to. You cannot evolve by staying where you are.
There is no way to know who will act weird around you or why. No way to know who will stand by you and who will not. You will be surprised when you find out. Just because you are surprised doesn’t make you guilty or wrong or stupid or naive or at fault. Stay focused on you. You need to keep faithful to your recovery above and beyond all else. That is the only way to be sure your life is your own.
Some fences will be left unmended. That is okay. Part of recovery is realizing this is not a perfect process where all loose ends are neatly tied up in a pretty bow. Not everyone deserves or has earned your relationship to them. More often than not it is the smartest idea to wish people all the very best and also remember you do not need to provide that for them.
So much of my recovery now as I walk through my 23rd month is about looking at what I spend my energy doing and not doing. How often my former self would spend tremendous amounts of time worried about who is or might be ‘mad at me.’ That is childhood trauma response. It’s not how I will be handling myself anymore. I used to constantly start difficult conversations with “are you mad at me?” Either I would say it outright or I would posture in a way that indicated I was already wrong and ready to do anything to make it up to you.
Not anymore. I have changed. I know my beauty, worth, and strength. I know my intentions are to engage at a higher level. I’m not going to try. I’m not going to meet everyone where they are. It’s too exhausting.
Now, I bless everyone and move on with my life, my choices, my desires, goals, and way of living.
I prize depth of compassion, feeling, commitment, and engagement.
And I’m not going to apologize for any of it.
Have you found that your relationships have changed as you continue your recovery from addiction? Feel free to share your experience in the comments. I find that the more we share, the more opportunity we have to expand the way we see our recoveries. Which is important. Because if we just look to popular culture to inform what our recovery should look like, we realize what is reflected back to us is much, much too small.
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Everything must change. For the better. 🙏