What if tomorrow you lost it all?

My tldr life story + when to leave it all on the field

Click play to hear me read this post in my own voice.

A while ago, I noticed that a popular thing to do on Substack Notes (Substack’s internal social media) was to share your life story, sort of cut down to the bones, you know, like a highlight reel but in short sentences, telling only the parts that most affected you along your journey to ending up here writing a newsletter on Substack.

I always swore I’d never do that, until I did, and now I think I can see why it’s so lovely, even though it’s also very scary. Because Notes is literally just the social media portion of Substack which means who the fuck knows who will see your personal story spilled out all over the internet. But the thing is, people responded so damn kindly and warmly that it actually made me cry! Didn’t really see that coming. It means my story touched something in them that maybe helped them or inspired or whatever the case may be.

So here’s the story of me and how I got here in just a few lines.

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In 1998 I became a new mom at 19 yrs old. My pregnancy was not planned. From the minute he made himself known to me on that pregnancy test in that random McDonald’s bathroom, my hands trembling and my mind shattering into petrified pieces, my son has been my heart and my love and my life.

In December 1999 I had my first drink on my 21st birthday. Yeah, really.

In July 2006 my mom died at 53. She took me to buy my wedding dress in May 2006 but never made it to my wedding that same year in November.

In 2006 I married the love of my life. He is nineteen years older than I am and a lot of people threw shade. Still do. I gave and give no fucks.

In January 2022 I quit drinking. I realized in recovery that not one of the drinks I ever had since my first was safe.

In November 2022, having the sober balls to finally do it, I quit my fancy corporate job. The one that filled my bank account and drained my soul. On my drive home from my exit interview with HR, I slowed to a stop at a red light near my house. I was still shaking with excitement and disbelief at my own courage. The license plate on the car in front of me said: CLOSURE.

Sometime in 2023 I switched from writing poetry and wild prose on Wordpress to writing about my recovery on Substack. There are so many stories I still want to tell. I cannot believe how lucky I am to get to be here to tell them.

Because for me it’s not about the platform. Platforms are about business but my writing is my life and my life is about heart. I’ll keep writing no matter where it is. Writing is the beating of my heart.

My writing has gotten me through everything since I was little. My biggest joy now is just if any of it can help you get through your day.

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What has gotten me through the toughest challenges in my life has been my willingness to let tragedy, grief, fear, and disillusionment change me. Whatever it was that shook me to my core, from becoming a mom before I was ready, to losing my mom before I ever thought possible, to leaving the safety of the establishment to go after my dream life, to clawing my way out of an addiction that plagued me for over twenty years, the trick was never in resisting any of it. The power was always, always, in accepting and allowing it to be what it was, as it was.

When you say to yourself in all sincerity: Yes, I will be where I am today. At this moment, I will be where I am, as I am, and stay open and willing, as well as stay true to who I am. It is life changing. To both stay true to yourself while at the same time be willing to realize that what I thought was true may not be true any longer. It may never have been true to begin with. All the beliefs and limitations put on me, might be nonsense. All the ways I thought I had to hold myself back were wrong. All the rules I thought I had to follow, that were meant to keep me safe, had kept me caged instead.

I had to break free of expectations. I had to wake up to reality. Nothing taught me those skills as viscerally and thoroughly as tragedy, grief, and pain. This is how we evolve. Not just grow. Not just mature. But evolve into a whole new level of being. Sometimes the only way out is to walk through the fire and let what’s dead burn off. Destroy to recreate. Destroy to resurrect. Die to be reborn.

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I know right now it is a fraught time all over the globe. In America, we are forced to reckon with our not being so exceptional after all in some ways we thought we surely were, and the fallout threatens to silence our best parts in favor of exacerbating our worst.

Fear, greed, paranoia, fury, helplessness, anger, grief, shock, and horror surround us daily. It has all crushed me and most everyone I know. It runs deep. I know it runs deep because none of us can quite find the words to express how we feel, what we think, or how exactly we think it’s best to cope.

At the same time, in this exact time, when everything we thought would never fail us is crumbling; when everything we thought was a given is now up for grabs, and as we stare blankly into the void wondering where it all went wrong and what the fuck we do about it now—now that we are overwhelmed and worn out and terrified stiff—what if now is our time? Mine, and yours?

What if now, amidst the chaos and the cruelty, we decided we will leave it all on the field. Our art, our words, our thoughts, our love, kindness, generosity, and joy? What if we play it like we’ve got nothing left to lose? Or everything? Or like we can’t lose as long as we allow ourselves to be all of ourselves all the time, in every situation, against every odd, despite all the meanness all around, and with every person we encounter?

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In recovery, we honor one day at a time. What can we be grateful for today? What can I write or say or create that has been burning in me to be set free? Could there be a worse time? But then again, could there be any time better? More urgent? More serious? What if the dire state of these circumstances is begging us to realize: what would you do if today was your last?

What would you do with all of your talent, vision, energy, and desire, if tomorrow it was all taken from you in a flash? What resources do you have this minute that you can leverage to live inside your own aliveness, now?

I know it’s a non-stop shit show of news headlines, something freshly gruesome every day. But maybe the worst of the horrors wouldn’t be drowning us out if the best of us stopped holding our best stuff back.

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Allison Marie Taylor Conway / Copyrights to Author