The Relapse Story That's Keeping You Stuck
And how to break free of it for good.
Telling yourself you are “back there again” when you drink after maintaining some solid sober time is a story you need to stop repeating to yourself.
In fact, as a sobriety coach, I am more concerned with that specific repeated story than I am with the drink(s) you had that you wish you didn’t. Those drinks are gone now. It’s the story that remains. And that story is a big trigger you can’t see because you think beating yourself up is going to beat the sense into you to stop drinking for good.
But I can see it for what it is. That story is a belief that berating yourself is the way out of addiction (it isn’t, it’s the way to stay in it). And to me it is a red flashing sign signaling not the danger of the relapse you had, but of the next one that’s coming if we don’t come correct starting now.
That story of being “back there again” is a way to punish yourself for what you are telling yourself is a failure. And then you tell yourself that failure means you are helpless, hopeless, stupid, weak, incapable of real change. But none of that is true. You just need to stop falling for the trap of the story.
The “back there” story is a way to shame, blame, and berate yourself in the private halls of your mind. Where no one else can see. If they could see the way you antagonize yourself, they would beg you to stop. They would say, “Please, you don’t need to do this. You don’t deserve this. Please, stop hurting yourself.” (I’ve heard them say this in sober support meetings. It’s true.)
But they cannot see. And you, beautiful strong honest mixed-up brave you, you cannot see it as the threat that it is because up until now it was invisible to you. The thing you see, the thing visible on the outside of you, is the bottle. Is the drink. You believe that is the danger. And what I want you to know is that the danger is first and foremost in the story. And the story starts long before and lingers long after the drink. (God willing, you remain safe through and live through the drink.)
If you drink after some time - days, weeks, months - sober, you are not “back where you were” or “back where you started.” Mind you, my telling you this isn’t a little empty cheerleading bit, either. I’m very serious. You are not back there because the minute you had your first inkling that drinking was causing you harm and that you didn’t want to harm yourself that way, there was no going back.
The cat was out of the bag, so to speak. The secret was out, even if only to you.
You knew. And you could not stop the knowing because the truth is a constant. It simply is. It exists. It cannot be destroyed. You could deny it, and I’m sure you did, just like I did about myself for so long. But alcohol is poison and it’s addictive and when you realize you want it but don’t want to want it, that’s when you become just a little bit more conscious of who you really are. You are the one who notices the addiction. You become aware, if only slightly, that you are not the addiction itself.
That is the first step toward freedom. It is real. It is irreversible.
You may feel fear at noticing that you have a problem. You may feel ashamed. And your first survival instinct may be to try to hide what you know even from yourself. But we often feel fear when we are being shown a way to become brave.
There is power in that. There is hope in that. There is acceptance and surrender and love and forgiveness in that. It’s all bound up together in that first inkling of enlightenment. That we could be free. That part of us already is. It’s small at first. But it’s present. And it’s real.
Telling yourself the story that you are “back there” gives you permission to believe what is not true. Therein exists the danger. What we believe is what we do. When we believe lies, we tell them. When we tell them, we deny reality. “I am back here again. Drinking. Like I used to do. I got nowhere. I never learn. What’s the use of trying?”
When you tell yourself you are “back there” it ensures you can replay this mind trick again and again. Go back there. There where you didn’t know what you know now. There where you were unaware, incapable, blinded, and confused.
You cannot go back. You know now. What’s done is done. You can only ever go forward. You cannot change the past. Stop pretending you can by pretending you can go back. There is no ‘back there’ there.
That’s how life is. It keeps moving. Forward. To believe otherwise is to take yourself out of alignment with the truth. That’s the confusion you feel, the frustration of “how could I put myself back there again?.” You are trying to make sense of an unreality.
The problem with telling yourself the story that “you drank again therefore you went backwards” is that it gives you permission to throw everything you are now out the window. It’s a victim story. And more importantly: it isn’t true. You have learned. You have grown. You have become more and more aware each minute of each day of who you are, what you are capable of, what you can and cannot fuck with.
You know what you need to do. You know you can do it. Do it now. Let all the rest go.
You are not allowed to throw all of what you’ve discovered, uncovered, and grown into away. It lives inside you, as you, right now. Right now. Where you actually are.
Humor me, if you would: Where are your feet? Right now, where are your feet? On the ground beneath you. Maybe curled up under you. Either way: attached to you. Here you are, my love. What do you see around you? Scan your surroundings, slowly. Where are you physically? What are the colors, textures, sounds, and scents? What are the sensations in your body? Is there a breeze on your skin? Tension anywhere?
Where are you right now?
And what do you believe, right now, about today? This day. The one you are present and inside of now. Has this day happened yet? Is there possibility in this day? To create? To write and to live however you please?
Are you going to drink today? No. :) Of course not. You have come so far! And you will not give up. Not today. Not today. Not today.
You are here. Here is good. Here is real. You will not drink today. And the cool thing is: today is all there ever is. All there is, in reality, no matter what your mind tells you about forward or back, ahead or behind, the only truth is right here, right now. Your feet. Your heart, softly beating as you read these words.
Your inner knowing, knowing itself.
You do not drink today. That’s how you do not drink.
Forget whatever you used to believe about going “back there.” There is no going back. We cannot be in a place that does not exist. We cannot live inside what’s dead and gone. We cannot live there anymore.
Now, we live here. Here where there is what is real: your feet, and your eyes, and your straight shoulders, and the infinite well of your own personal resolve, facing forward. Taking the next step from this place of fully embodied awareness and grounded confidence. Not in our stories. But in ourselves.
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