(Click ‘play’ to hear me read this post)
The greatest gift of my recovery is not anything you can see on the outside. Though, everything on the outside probably does look drastically different (I bet). The greatest transformation in my life happened because I learned to do two things: detach and observe my emotions.
I am not the person I was because I am not the person who thinks, reacts, or chooses the way I used to. Blame has no place to hide. Shame has no place to hide. Guilt has no place to hide. Self-harm has no place to hide. My addiction was like wearing a big black cape underneath which I could tuck away the ugly shit so you couldn’t see it. I was wrapped so tight in fact that I couldn’t see it either.
Recovery has been like slowly opening that long long heavy cloak and allowing the parts of me that hide in there to see the light, to see my face looking down at them with compassion and tenderness. I think they thought I hated them. I think I kind of did. We were afraid of each other.
Some shit we keep inside because we are so frightened to look at how bad it hurts. How bad we are. How fucked up and twisted and wrong. Things are messy inside and we make a mess with them. But honestly, okay - so what?
So the world did its dirty deeds to us and we did the best we could. I had so much to unpack, so much to set free, that I am still astounded by what I can afford to let go of, even two years and three months and fourteen days in BUT WHO’S COUNTING.
The way out of addiction is through confronting the addiction. Because the addiction was actually your first attempt at recovery. It was the way I tried to deal with what I couldn’t deal with. I understand that. Addictions don’t develop out of nowhere but they can seem like they do because they grow out of the hidden parts. The parts we sweep under the rug, or tuck under the long heavy cloak we drape around ourselves in the hopes of looking much grander than we feel.
There’s a lot of mystery and confusion around addiction and recovery. But I feel like recovery is mostly this basic, simple adjustment to the way we think, act, and interpret the world around us.
I am not the way I feel, I am not my emotional state or my emotional response to what someone says or does to me. I am the one who learns and practices detaching from all of it. From feelings, which I allow. From emotions, which I listen to, explore, and remain open to. From outcomes, labels, successes, failures, and all the other things the people around me might try to convince me matter more than they really do.
Because I can detach and observe, I open up incredibly vast amounts of space inside for things other than addiction to grow. Things like inspiration, art, creativity, intimacy, wonder, and delight. The more you observe, the more you get to see.
Happy Sunday. I wish you a week of grandest openings. x
Wow... Learning and practicing detaching from all of it. That is exactly what I am trying to do as I start working on changing my life. I have finally found the strength to end the cycle of completely poisoning my body day after day. I have not dried out all the way, but I have started.
These last two posts resonate with me because I can feel a change coming over me. Emotions, gut feelings from the past that I haven't felt in a long time have started to emerge. Opening up space for other things besides addiction to grow... Yes! I will observe! Thank you!