Resources for the apocalypse
+ recovering just in time
Click play above to hear me read this post in my own voice. This entire post including the list of 8 resources is free to all subscribers.
It’s been a very strange few weeks. I wanted to have a better handle on things before I got in touch with you, but then it became increasingly obvious that getting a handle on things was not only unrealistic but the opposite of how to reach out and touch the humanness of what we are all living through in the U.S., or anywhere really. It’s all connected—we are all connected… myself in the privacy of my little life, and you in the privacy of yours, and us in the frustration of the collective denial of what the fuck is actually happening.
So I just really wanted to say Hey, this is me not having a handle on most of any of it, but also I’ve got thoughts. I’ve been getting back into books, podcasts, and all the rest of it. I joined BlueSky for better or worse, mostly worse, although I did appreciate the (Mundus Sine Ceasaribus t-shirt situation in all of its dystopian ridiculousness) and I have some interesting resources to share, which I’ll do at the close of this post.
Here’s the thing: It’s weird to recover in private as the rest of the world races very publicly toward Armageddon. It’s bizarre to be recovering my own body, mind, and spirit, while civilization is busy collectively, gleefully, stupidly, violently offing itself. In a very real sense, the fact that I continue to take my recovery from major surgery very slowly, gently, and seriously, and help my son navigate his current medical situation, and also maintain my sobriety all the while (a recovery within recovery), is an outward display of hope, joy, gratitude, and reverence for my own humanity. For my own life. FWIW.
If I thought there was ultimately no point to being here and doing it well, if I thought we were all just fucked (to be fair, I do think that from time to time and even say it out loud when I’m too tired to even try to think of something more constructive to say), I wouldn’t be committed to recovery. Even if we do nothing else, staying committed to recovery is quite a bold statement all on its own.
What’s happening in America is a disaster of epic proportions on all levels of government, society, civilization, and culture. I blame them all. The R’s the D’s and to be honest to believe there are “sides” anymore at all is problematic in and of itself. The tech bro takeover is clear evidence that we aren’t in Kansas anymore as the saying goes (or once did, I feel like it makes me sound old to say that but I am so it’s fine) so while I appreciate being lectured at about autocracy and history and all the rest of the pontificating by people who know politics better than me, listening to a lot of it is just a continuation of the collective overall denial that this is a world situation we have never once been in before ever. Yet we have seen over and over that the R’s and the D’s have both caused what is happening now, which is the unceremonious dismantling of everything we thought would keep us safe. It’s all crumbling, all of it. Catastrophically and fast. And there’s no going back.
It’s so tragic and cruel that I am still not processing it fully, even though I saw it coming. But general denial is still strong and real and deadly, and nobody knows this better than a recovering addict. Nobody knows how denying reality assures that reality will be your demise, even if you are passed out drunk and unconscious while it’s happening (or, as the case may be, disassociating through social media or online shopping or whatever else people do to pretend there’s any escape). Remaining clear-eyed is extremely, excruciatingly tough. But we in recovery have acquired this skill because we’ve had to in order to save ourselves.
We know this stuff because we’ve seen it and lived it and made it out. Not by being optimists or pessimists but by being realists. By looking the horror in the face and accepting that it’s real. No more bullshit.
This is why we can tell the world is fucked. Because it repeatedly sinks to the bottom of the bottomless scroll, chasing illusions, fantasies, ghosts. A crowd is a dangerous volatile cumbersome thing, and with all of us online there’s gobs and gobs of us roaming the digital streets looking to feed our various insatiable desires for more, faster, bigger, better, higher, more, more, more. With nothing to solidify its backbone, the mob limps and slithers along the algorithmic trails that, like an ouroboros, eats and eats and eats itself.
But enough with the pleasantries.
Here’s the thing I really wanted to say today, for lack of other words, and lack of any other better day to offer them: Even as the world is horrific all around, I still believe in recovery with my whole heart. Because from my recovery springs forth all my love for my sweet strong struggling self, and all my love for my beautiful struggling family, and struggling country. We are all struggling, you know what I mean. Struggling to make any kind of sense of the madness, struggling to accept that no one has come to save us and that the ones we thought could or would were never up to the task.
Despair is an option. I hate when people say despair isn’t an option. Of course it is. But I’ve been there—in that dark place where I clung to pain in the hopes of it curing my pain—and I really would rather not go back. It’s not any fun, and it’s never the whole story. The whole story is the pain and the fear, right alongside the beauty of the coming spring. The whole story, through a wide enough lens, is never the good or the bad, it’s always both. It’s always bittersweet.
But it’s a really hard time right now. It’s nuts to be living through this mayhem. I’m really glad you are out there, and in here, and I sincerely hope you are holding it together as best you can. And here’s a few links to things I’ve read or listened to over the past few weeks that have helped me not feel better, but remain clear-eyed and steady for myself and the ones I love dearly. Y’all included.
1
Survival of the Richest: Escape Fantasies of the Tech Billionaires by Douglas Rushkoff and this great video of the overview of its overarching themes. This book is fucking me up and it’s exactly what I have been looking for since January: someone to please look at the Musks/Zucks/Bezos/Silicon Valley overlords and explain what we are actually seeing. Because it’s not what it seems.
2
The Black Place by Sarah Kendzior, along with every one of her books which I’ve been reading since over a decade ago which is why none of what’s happening in America now surprises me. Doesn’t take the sting out, of course, but Sarah has always looked directly into the eye of the beast and wrote about exactly what she saw—in the hopes that we would see it, too. Too few of did in time, but too many of us too late.
3
Etiquette for End Times by Marya Hornbacher. She’s so fucking brave.
4
I listen to the Bulwark pod every day. I like Tim Miller’s energy and appreciate his hot takes though I don’t always agree with them.
5
I listen to Left, Right, & Center every Friday. It’s okay. I usually learn the most from Sarah Isgur’s perspectives because they lean right and they are based on her experience as a lawyer and former spokesperson at the United States Department of Justice.
6
I read Tangle every day. It’s a fantastic resource even though I’ve been a bit disappointed lately because they bend over backwards to try to make the best of a catastrophically bad situation. I’m still reading it but I’m not as fully onboard as I was when I first started reading it last year. Still, I have deep gratitude for the work they do. It’s a major way I stay informed without watching the mainstream news, and without being able to afford any of the bigger publications.
7
I love Ezra Klein’s mind and his podcast (all the archives are behind a paywall but each one is free for a few days when it first comes out (for now) and hugely worth listening to).
8
This episode of Sam Harris’ Making Sense pod with Jonah Goldberg. I can’t afford to subscribe to it so I only got to hear the first 37 minutes (which is hugely generous amount of free content) but I was super grateful to hear Jonah’s take on both foreign and domestic policy (the goddamn tariffs, etc).
Thank you for reading and listening. Feel free to drop a resource in the comments of anything you have read or listened to lately that made you think in new ways about any topic that matters to you.
Our humanity matters.
Spot-on, as ever
This is the read I needed today Allison. Thank you!