A personal note on my recovery (+ my top recs)
Five Things Friday #15
Hello, hello there. It is so good to be here with you again. If I may say so, I’ve been struggling a bit this past week. There are a few reasons for it, as there usually are when struggles come. In a world where the term “post-truth” is thrown around almost as an afterthought (because, well, no shit), it can be difficult to understand who you are, where you fit, what is the most sane way to conduct yourself in public discourse. When the world around you keeps changing every minute—and no one ever stops talking, commenting, pontificating, posting, etc.—it can be hard to find your footing.
But my recovery requires me to do so. To find solid ground and stand on it; stand inside myself, be safe and strong inside myself. I’m working hard at it as we speak, I can promise you that. If you read or listened to my post this week, you may have felt my emotional, spiritual, and mental turmoil. If so, I’m touched that we can at least be in the same virtual space for as long as it takes to read or listen to my words… but more than that I want to say that I am committed to coming to the page, coming to you, even when I am shaky. Even when I’m scattered. I hope together we can learn to stay present even when life feels overwhelming, uncertain, and even scary.
Not to have all the answers, or say the right thing, or gloss over or fix anything, just to stay present. Stay in the flow of feelings, thoughts, and a whirling mind, without getting swept away inside of any of it. To show up and say: this is honestly me, for better or worse.
Addiction means we lose ourselves, try to perfect ourselves, make excuses, lie to ourselves and about ourselves. It means we smile and say we are fine when we are not fine. I can’t and won’t do that. Recovery means we stay. If you are reading this, you are helping me stay. And I am telling you that just typing that has brought tears to my eyes. Maybe it’s my age (I’ll be 46 this Sunday!), maybe it’s how I love my country and it breaks my heart to see people trashing other people, people they know nothing about, mostly strangers on screens.
The holidays are hard for me, too. I thought it would get better each sober year, but the truth is it hasn’t. This is my third sober holiday season. There must be some things I still have to sort out inside myself. That’s okay. Recovery is an ever flexing, morphing, changing, and evolving thing. I want to be in it. I want to be in it with you. Beyond that, I’m not clinging to anything else. In times that change as rapidly as ours do, it’s good to get used to remaining open, humble, and willing to accept the things we cannot change (namely: other people, the passing of time, and the ethereal way the sun hits the naked trees in the early evening… whether we stop to admire it or not.)
May I just also say, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You have been a starlight burning in my sky, just knowing you are out there. I hope, sincerely and truly, that you know I’m here, shining as brightly as I can for you, too.
Okay, I’ll end this long intro now. If you love DHM and are able to support my work financially, here is where I invite you to become a paying subscriber in order to continue. I have priced the annual subscription as low as Substack will allow at $30.
Now let’s get to the goods.