12 Ways Sobriety Absolutely Gets Better

The rewards are astounding. And 1000% worth the struggle.

Photo by Rendy Novantino on Unsplash

I HAD TO DO THE MATH. That’s not the first thing on this list of twelve things about being 16 months sober, but honestly maybe it should be. I was having coffee (and a deeply soul-gratifying, heart-expanding conversation) with two friends whom I love dearly, and we were speaking about how long I’ll have been sober by the end of this month, and I had to stop for a second and do the math: 12 months plus 4 months. It’ll be 16 months. 16 months?? I hadn’t realized how far I’d come. 1 and 1/3 years.

I was shocked. Even though it’s factually true that I haven’t had a drink in all this time, it somehow also feels absolutely impossible and bizarre and hilariously, dazzlingly amazing. I just never thought this would be me. I never thought this could be my actual life or the way I live it. So intertwined with and devoted to my sobriety, and yet also so continuously astounded by it. By all of it.

I mean, I went from counting every single day to now having to do the math to remember how many months into sobriety I am. That may sound like a little thing, maybe even a given thing, but it isn’t. I assure you it is not small or insignificant. I assure you it is a monster of an accomplishment. I know this because even though I’m in it, I still scarcely believe it.

On January 1st of 2022, I did not drink. I woke up hungover af from heavy drinking the night before, and it was a wildly terrible epic hangover. But I never had a hangover again after that. I didn’t drink that day or that evening or that night, and I haven’t had a drink since. That was 473 days ago. Which is not a long time and yet also A Very Long Time, considering I drank dysfunctionally for 22 years straight before that.

Those drinking years continue to fall farther and farther away from me, from my memory, and from who I am today. Which begs the obvious question: who am I today? I am in a good place inside. A steady, gentle, peaceful place. And it has taken monumental effort. Old-life-destroying and new-life-building commitment, energy, focus, and expansion. I have burned myself to the ground to let go of what was already dead in order to be reborn from a more honest place, a truer place, a brand new place.

I did so voluntarily. I did all of it by choice with eyes and heart wide open. Day by day, evening by evening, event by event, breath by breath, I have been simultaneously dismantling and resurrecting myself. And even though my mind is screaming at me to not tell you this - because there are old parts of me that still need to die, namely: the parts laden with self-loathing, self-flagellation, self-degradation, and self-punishment - I am going to tell you anyway because I think it is so important, maybe even the most important, to be honest about where we actually are inside ourselves, mentally, physically, and spiritually.

I am tired.

I need mental, physical, and spiritual rest. If sobriety has taught me anything it is to rest when you are tired.

I need a break. I need to disengage from the needs, wants, desires, and pressures of the world, but mostly from the pressure I put on myself to “do” instead of “be.”

I need to let my mind wander into serene places without deadlines, striving, motivation, accomplishment, or proving anything.

I need to not share, not produce, not worry, not push, not pull, not improve.

I need sanctuary. I need to just be with myself. Just be. Soak in. Marinate. Accept, receive, reset. Pause, contemplate, savor.

It’s time for rest, rejuvenation, stillness, peace, and to practice being okay with all of that as the only priority.

Next week I will be away on vacation (so no Tuesday post - but I’ll be back on May 2nd :) and it will be my second one sober. The second one of everything seems to be a lot smoother. More relaxed, much less cringey than the firsts of everything. I’ll be by the ocean, on the sand, all that good stuff. Reading, walking, watching sunsets, sleeping in, barefoot, spending time with my husband, and generally being lazy.

I am excited for this in the way sober people get excited for bedtime.

I can’t wait for coziness, calm, quiet, and the sweet serenity that comes with knowing that you have taken the very best care of yourself. Knowing full well that some of it came easy but most of it decidedly didn’t, and that all of it - the good parts and the tough parts - all drained you of energy. And that rest is your joyful and rightful reward.

No guilt, no regret, no question.

So I wanted to share with you before I go away a list I made of 12 things I know for sure now that I am (about to be) 16 months sober. These are things I didn’t know would be such monumental gifts when I was at the beginning, way back in January of 2022, when I was white-knuckling the first few days and weeks and months of sobriety.

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People at the beginning of recovery often ask “Does it get better?” And my solid answer is YES. 1000% it gets better. Keep going. Here’s why.

12 Ways Sobriety Absolutely Gets Better By 16 Months Sober

1. I am a strong, confident, resilient, calm, capable human all completely and entirely without alcohol. I am also flawed. I make mistakes. I say the wrong thing sometimes. I fail. I miss the mark. But it’s all okay.

2. I don’t know what is right for anyone else. I only know what is right for me. That is enough.

3. I can trust in the process of recovering one day at a time and let the rest go. Sobriety is a daily choice grounded in my values of personal integrity, self-compassion, self-knowledge, and self-love.

4. I believe that living a life fully present through all the pain and all the joy is the only kind of life worth living because it’s the only way I can be sure that I don’t miss out on getting to know every bit of me. I don’t want to die never having met myself.

5. There is nothing I have to punish myself for. Not my past. Not my present. Not my future.

6. I approach all things with a genuine heart, from a place of sincerity and gratitude. This is true freedom. Freedom from the entrapment of self-cruelty, self-denial, and self-sabotage.

7. I am brave. Bravery comes from doing what you know in your heart must be done and not expecting anyone else to do it for you.

8. Courage comes from being able to humbly accept that some people you thought would support you will not be able to be there for you the way you expected. That doesn’t mean they don’t love you.

9. It is right and good to ask for and accept help. Even and especially, from people and in ways that surprise you.

10. I am safe inside myself. And I will continue to do the work of recovery to maintain my safety inside of myself.

11. Being safe inside myself is my responsibility. No one can hand it to me. Not another person, not a job, career, institution, religion, degree program, club, group, author, speaker, culture, or leader of any kind.

12. And because I know all of this is my responsibility, because I accept this as just part of this deal called owning your life, I know my sobriety is mine and mine alone. No one can do it for me and no one can take it from me, either.

And so I take my recovery practice with me everywhere I go. And despite how hard it may feel sometimes to do the work, I know that sobriety always leads me to a place of honest rest, peace, and calm inside myself. No matter where I go, I’m always my home.

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